This is a transcript of The Way, the sacred book of the Beach Godists.
The sacred journal of the beach gods
Transcribed from beach god prophecies
The ten beach commandments
- Thou shalt not decapitate turtles
- Thou shalt not eat sushi unless vegetarian substitutes
- Thou shalt not blast Blake Shelton off underwater speakers
- Thou shalt not commercially fish
- Thou shalt not kick down sand castles
- Thou shalt not abuse fish tank fish
- Thou shalt not screech "ooh shiny!" At top of lungs when spotting seashells
- Thou shalt not use thy go pro
- Thou shalt not sell seashells by the seashore
- Thou shalt not crowd adorable seals or ride on turtles, then post to doth YouTube channel
The great prophecy
One day in the future, a worthy believer shall blow the infinity bagpipe and a great flood will cover the earth. The believer will then arrive on the intergalactic carribean cruise ship, set to reggae music played by the legendary Chervin musician John riley, and the true believer will take two sea creatures of every kind and all the true believers of the beach gods. The believer will awaken the powerful head beach god aaron to arise from Atlantis.
Aaron will bestow the believer with the powers of the Chad and aaron will take them all to Neptune for a new life of glory.
The great Oracle
Once, there was a girl named harley. She was bestowed visions of the beach gods and prophecies. The beach gods welcomed her into their ranks to write the way as their personal scribe. After a while, the beach gods realized she had done nothing to write the way. Once harley realized that the beach gods gave her 2 stars on Yelp, her mind twisted to evil. She took the soul of norman, a boy who was previously a believer, and made him shun the beach gods. Harley also corrupted the mind of Dylan, also a believer. The beach gods waged war on harley. After rescuing Dylan and norman, Harley was no match for the beach gods. Realizing what she had done, harley begged for forgiveness. The beach gods rewelcomed her to be their grand oracle
- Aaron the high beach god
- Vv the beach goddess of justice, lakes/rivers, and keeper of the sacred beans
- Abby the goddess of turtles
- Ethan the god of stand-up comedy
- Lola the warrior
- Sam the god of getting shot in our plays
- Camille goddess of seagulls
- Harley the grand oracle
- John riley the woodland chervin of music
- Emily the goddess of connect 4 and protector of European eels
- Katie goddess of jellyfish
- Konner the god of biographing gods
- Bryan the prophet of beachinees
The shelby mountain pixies
The mountain pixies ace, luke and leo are evil creatures. They try to steal beach god followers to the mountain god cult to appease the mountain gods.
They sneak into beach god territory and transform into sea weed and try to lure in beach god followers. You can recognize the pixie triplets because they strangely do "the macarena" when in seaweed mode. They rose to power when Sun and high god Aaron blessed them with the label as Chad. Now as chadlings, they think they are better than the beach gods and above sea level to be mountain gods.
The woodland chervin John-riley
There once was an overworked camp counselor named John-riley. He was saddened with his job so he prayed to the beach gods and abby the god of turtles took pity on him. She guided him to the supply closet of ovsovoxh, and he found a great gift: cup stilts . He turned them over and played. He played so well it brought tears to the beach gods eyes while they played spoons. The council inducted him as one of their own, and he played his cup bongos in delight. His music now echoes the halls of atlantis.
In the classroom of the beach God's origin, there was a white board. First
There was nothing; then there was mick. Mick is the ultimate being, although his only equal is Aaron the sun god, even aaron has to obey the s.o.s rule.
Karens are another foe of the beach gods. Karens are beings with the intent of speaking with your manager. Once complaining and suing, the Karen sucks out your managers organs and takes over your company.
Heather the keeper of knowledge
Heather is the equal of mick, as they are part of an ancient race of beings called çøwöŕķēŕš. She provides knowledge of the earth's past, and teaches it to young believers at a religious ceremony called šůmmĕŕ ćåmp. She provides visions of the beach gods. She carries a golden paperback book that dispenses jokes that you either laugh or groan at. The shelby pixies have to do as commanded by heather.
How to do a beach god salute
- Place first over heart
- Change to open hand on heart
- Put the "nyah nyah nyah nyah nyaaah nyaaaaah" sign on chin
- Say "beach gods kakalakamaka"
The nunnery of highland hills elementary school of new Albany
The nuns of highland hills are a group of young believers who are led by the grand Oracle's brother norman. They do traditional beach god things like the cwossaint and the great beach shoe toss.
The sacred beans
These beans are kept by high council member Genevieve. They are used in a secret ceremony, where the beans are used to praise the beach gods, inside the sacred wïğ wåm of beachiness. This ceremony was interrupted by the mountain pixies and the beans were lost, and only Genevieve knows where they are. She waits until next summer for a believer to guide to the beans location.
Beach god hell consists of you running around a desert while the spirits of all the fish you have eaten shoot you with arrows tipped with microplastic. It is kept by Genevieve who sometimes rides around on a flying chariot and hurls tridents through your chest. A horde of crabs chase victims throughout the biomes, accompanied by crab rave, who eat you alive. Aquarium merch voodoo dolls torture you as Ethan sticks pins into them. Lola randomly shoots you and leaves you for the cannibal crabs.
Sea monsters chase you around with chainsaws to torment you. Hell is reserved for unbelievers, mountain god followers, sport fisherman, Blake Shelton etc. Etc.
When beach god followers die, they get sent to neptune early before the infinity bagpipe is blown. There is an infinite party on neptune, with games like limbo, ultimate dance off, snorkeling, beach volleyball and pin the slap on the mountain pixie. These are overseen by the beach gods having a giant vegan cookout in the halls of new atlanta, a new Georgia capital after the infinity bagpipe is blown.
Beasts of legend
Perry- There is a tale of a great beast called perry. Often mistaken as something called the lochness monster, since his summer home is located in the bottom of the loch ness lake, perry is an aquatic mammal that breathes water and air.
Mappers- Mappers are pollinators, who pollinate vegetables, fresh fruits and flowers. These small yellow birds are the most important pollinators, and they even got a beach theme song in 2017. They are sadly facing decline but beach conservationists are making efforts to save the mapper.
The story of sam
Sam was an ordinary counselor, when one day the beach gods promised him something more- something extraordinary, the power of being shot. He was immortalized after that, but ever since, random beach gods and beach god followers shoot him."